Originally, this story was going to be based on modern day times. In keeping with the latest trends, Santa Claus’s transition was going to look something like the following:
As a traditionalist, I decided to avoid such controversy and to instead reveal the “TRUE STORY” of Santa’s health and weight transition.
Santa Claus, like most of us, wasn’t born an obese man. Santa (originally known as St. Nicholas) was born around 280A.D. in Patara, Turkey. Early pictures of Santa were rare, but the picture above was found revealing a well nourished, healthy young man (in relative years) full of vim, vigor and vitality without any health or weight management issues.
It wasn’t until the 1930’s when Santa was introduced to Coca Cola. Coincidentally, this is when his health and weight problems began. The Coca Cola company deceived Old Santa by convincing him that sugar produced a quality source of “necessary” energy that would help him achieve his mission to provide children all over the world with gifts. Since Santa was born in 280A.D. he began to realize his energy levels had diminished over the years. For that matter, his testosterone levels had likely slipped a notch or two as well, (but that is for another story!)
It wasn’t long before Santa began experiencing grey skin pallor, left arm pain and numbness, sweating, nausea, shortness of breath, increased frequency of urination, increased thirst, cuts that weren’t healing, increased fatigue and blurred vision. These symptoms began interfering with his ability to perform his job. Santa (LIKE MOST OF US) needed serious SYMPTOMS before taking steps to address his problems. After finding Santa unconscious on the floor with a cookie in one hand and a candy cane in the other, Mrs. Claus called my office on February 3, 2014 for evaluation. After completing a thorough exam and lab work, it was my sad responsibility to tell Santa he was suffering a combination of cardiovascular disease, type 2 diabetes and obesity. I explained to him, “the health and weight problems took almost 84 years to REVEAL THEMSELVES and would require sufficient TIME and PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY to correct.”
Naturally, the dietary changes were the hardest to correct. Families all over the world sabotaged my recommendations by placing cookies (containing high fructose corn syrup, trans fats, artificial dyes and chemical preservatives) and milk (full of antibiotics, hormones, indigestible sugars and pesticides) near their chimney for Santa to EAT! It was just too tempting to resist.
Santa, like most people, complained of limited time to exercise as well. Instead of CREATING time, Santa chose to pass the time in a sedentary manner sitting in the sleigh (nearly motionless) while the reindeer’s worked voraciously to make the annual journey.
I gave Santa two options:
Continue at this pace and suffer the LONG TERM health consequences while disappointing the children all over the world from receiving their gifts.
Begin a REALISTIC NUTRITION and EXERCISE program to correct the ROOT CAUSES of these health problems while achieving a healthy reduced weight (as an END RESULT of this new LIFESTYLE!)
Santa chose to comply with my recommendations. He began with a running program 3X/week. Over the course of 12 weeks, Santa’s stamina improved so much he decided to compete in his first marathon.
As you can see, Santa finished in FIRST PLACE. I’m not convinced, however, the other runners didn’t “throw the race” concerned about the possibility of retribution and the forfeiture of future Christmas presents.
When Santa came back to my office for his follow up visit, he shared concerns about his physical appearance with so much skin hanging from his new healthier body. I asked him about his weight lifting program. His response was, “what weight lifting program; all I’ve been doing is running?”
After making a few phone calls, I set Santa up with a personal trainer known for training the great names in body building. About 12 weeks later, Santa sent me a picture taken at the gym.
After correcting Santa’s nutrition and exercise deficiencies, I saw a new problem developing. Santa was into STEROIDS! This would only complicate his original health issues. It wasn’t easy convincing him to back off these ILLEGALLY supplied DRUGS! His attitude changed from “JOLLY” to “ABRASIVE” during this 12 week transition. It was obvious that professional therapy was now indicated. I passed Santa’s name to a counselor friend of mine to address (once again) more ROOT ISSUES!
Today, I am glad to reveal the good news that Santa’s most recent exam is clear of ALL passed cardiac and diabetic findings. His new healthier weight has dropped his body mass index (BMI) from >40 (morbidly obese) to 23 (normal.) He has even reduced his blood pressure, resting pulse and has an excellent cholesterol panel. He has reduced some size, (no longer on steroids,) but has maintained a HEALTHY LIFESTYLE which should provide him several thousand more years to deliver toys to children (and adults) worldwide. For those of you concerned about me releasing Santa’s medical information, I have been given written consent by Santa to share this with all of you. Just yesterday Santa sent me his most recent picture:
I hope Santa provides all of you the incentive to follow a healthier LIFESTYLE to enjoy the quality of life you choose to live. May the holiday season bring all the joy, GOOD HEALTH and happiness possible to each and every one of you.
I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THE TRUTHFUL AND FACTUAL STORY OF SANTA’S HEALTH AND WEIGHT TRANSITION!